Usually I’m full of Christmas spirit. This year it’s more like can’t wait to be drunk and fall into someone’s tree.
I did a bunch of online shopping this year to avoid people and being drunk in public. There’s no way I could shop the crowds sober. Can you ? You’re my hero if so.
Unfortunately, I had to do a return at Vickie’s . This is where the regrets start sinking in.
In typical holiday shopping fashion, I drove around for a good 15 minutes to find parking. No body wants to park in carajo land . I made my way into the mall and mumbled a little prayer.
Please make this quick and painless like that one night … wait I’m getting distracted. Anyway lord please keep all assholes away and give me strength to not go Jersey on anyone.
Waking into the mall, there goes that Salvation Army bell just jingling away. The sound of guilt from pretending to be on the phone while avoiding judgement. I bet all the money goes to some big rich fat guy sitting on a Yacht somewhere anyway. An even better chance it goes to the bell ringer so they can grab a 40 later.
Either way I’m a piece of shit.
I make my way to Victoria Secret and here’s this teenager to assist me. I ask her to help me find this hoodie I ordered online in an xl. She stops me and explains that they don’t carry xl’s in the store, online only. Um, excuse me, so only size negative twos can shop here ? Strike one. I’m stuck with this hoodie.
No worries. I tell her I can figure it out after Christmas, but may I have some boxes for all the other shit I ordered? Yes of course…. she hands me three 2×0 boxes. Common sense is not a job requirement clearly. I can’t even fit my big toe in this box hun, how can I fit hoodies in them ? I storm off and I hear the little bitch yell MERRY CHRISTMAS. Lol.
my response : keep your boxes ya filthy animal.
This is when I drop everything I’m doing and chug Tito’s in the parking lot as I walk ten blocks to my car. Jk. But it sounds good.
With two days left I hope you get your shit done, wrap a ton of gifts just to be torn open in seconds, bake all your cookies, don’t forget to move the elf, and have plenty of alcohol in the process.