bumble it is

I need to vent about this new age dating system we have going on here. I’m very open-minded and I believe everyone deserves to find love, feel attractive, have fun and the obvious, have sex. So if all that can be accomplished in the palm of your hand than wow ! Fuckn wow! We are lazy sumbitches. Simply swipe right if you like swipe left if not . I can go on and on about how amazing technology is or how horrible I️t is; but all I really want to do is be a damn fly on the wall when these guys are making their profile. In this case a bee. Get it a bee? Bumble.

This is better then Eddie Murphy Delirious. Grab the popcorn because I’m about to spill the tea.

Let me start by explaining that borrowing someone else’s kid for your profile pics is NOT attractive. It’s border line creepy. It’s confirmation that it’s creepy when you have to state “Not my kid just my cool nephew.” “No kids just my cousins brothers daughter.”

Like whaaaaat? Kids are cute but I’m not swiping right because you’re using a cute child to get a match. Show us your sweet and sensitive on the first date. I mean are most women this gullable?

Which brings me to puppies. Unless you’re looking for the animal whisperer please chill with the fur babies.

Here’s my fav ! Do NOT I repeat do NOT post pictures with you and your 10 guy friends. I️ mean can you raise your hand so we know it’s you? Now, unless you’re going to link their bumble with yours (cause bitches like options) just don’t do it. There’s a high chance I’ll think your friends cuter. Why risk a match? Is there a bumble bro code ?

My second fav is the old girlfriend photos. Dude crop your ex ALL the way out please. So sloppy. This leads me to believe you half ass everything in life and it’s probably why she left you. Sorry not sorry.

So fellas: only post your own children, limit to one dog or cat photo, no half of your ex photos, or all your frat brothers, just pics of yourself. Preferably the famous gym photos. Sike. That’s lame too. We all know you binge drink all weekend and love tacos. You ain’t that healthy bro.

The bios are entertaining too. Everyone fits into a category. The shy guy, the intellectual type, the hipster, the man of few words and then the overly confident guy. “You would be crazy not to swipe right.” LmAo! Oh yeh ? You heard Beyonce, to the left to the left pal.

I can’t lie though there are definitely some cool genuine people on these sites. It’s just really comical to weed through them.

I’m positive I️t works both ways and you guys have your share of what you think is corny. Like the snap filters. Yes, we don’t really look like that in person so your taking a risk. But hey that’s the chance we take trying to meet people from our iPhone. I’m sorry if you have an Android, instant unmatch. Do you hate me ?

Whether you’re on Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel etc., I hope you find love or a few fun connections while learning how to perfect your Blue Steel and Magnum selfie. The people love it.

Heres’s mine …..