single as a pringle

I was in a relationship for ten years of my life and now I guess I’m going to spend the next ten weeding through the lames, fuck boys , and situationships. Jesus didn’t drive, so someone better take the wheel or I’m going to steer off the Walt Whitman. (Joking)

When I newly became single you might remember my 20 something sister convinced me to make a Bumble.

So fascinating I wrote about it. You can read that here. https://confessionsofacocktailserver.com/2017/11/14/bumble-it-is/

I still log on for shits and giggles. My bio says “You know when you keep opening the fridge to see if there’s anything good to eat ?

That’s what this shit is. An empty fridge full of random shit that doesn’t make sense.

Like some guy whose profession says Po-po , or some dude with professional photos on the beach with his bulldog. Can’t leave out the guy who posts 75 pics with his guy friends and you’re mad the friend to left isn’t on bumble because he looks better.

Then I try to meet people regular, you know like actually go outside, and that’s like Bumble but live.

They’re either too drunk, too short, or their girlfriend comes walking out of the bathroom. One time a guy called me his cousin. Since I’d rather play along then punch him in the face, I told her I’d see her at Thanksgiving and kissed her cheek. Clearly I’m doomed. I completely understand the struggles of all my single friends over the years.

Instagram has been another way to meet people and that’s going pretty well ….

Seriously?

Then there’s the let me hook you up with my boyfriends friend so we can double date. Fine I’ll be your wing man, wing girl, loser, whatever you need so we can all “hang out”. Well that turned into 6 months of wtf are we? Is this relationship or situationship? Shout out to Sasha Merci she’s hilarious! Follow her and watch this funny clip:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BstJkV0AnUx/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1dsufdvlpc5qi

I can’t even find a decent date to a wedding coming up so I’m bringing my best girl friend! No pressure, we can eat and drink like slobs , and I’ll probably kiss her at the end of the night. Done.

The best line at work from customers:

Wow how’s a girl like you single ?

I duno sir, ask my ex husband…

Or the 29 guys in my inbox…

You pick.

I’m getting used to Netflix and passing the fuck out. When I wake up it’s asking me if I’m still here.. unfortunately yes, yes I am, thanks for asking.

Even my moms working over time trying to fix me up with randoms. Like a friend of a friend who she met at the Bjs wholesale club. This is my life.

It’s times like this I miss cleaning up my exes dirty socks, dishes, and pee around the toilet, because men we all know you forget to aim sometimes. Don’t lie and do not put that in your Bumble bio.

Cheers

Xo